Showing posts with label mommy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mommy. Show all posts

Monday, February 22, 2010

it’s time you made your own bed and breakfast.



while your mum has dedicated a lifetime to making your favourite meals, washing your underwear and telling you how wonderous you are, you might have noticed that nobody else has the time. yup, it’s a hard fact of life that must be acknowledged and accepted - mums are the worst trainers in the world when it comes to bringing up adult men.

radical as it sounds, other than childbirth there is little that can be classified as man-stuff and girl-stuff today and an essential part of internalizing this cataclysmic shift is getting your own pad, my friend. 


besides which, i assure you there are a number of advantages to this plan. 


let me introduce you to the top ten right away:

1. you can have the chikas over. that’s a no-brainer of course.

2. you can impress the shit out of them. luckily for you, this doesn’t take much. given that the majority of indian men live with their mommies through adulthood and beyond, the very fact that you have dared to snap the apron strings could do wonders for your sex life.

3. you can leverage their irrepressible instinct to make you a better man. whether you are a gourmet chef or pride yourself on your tasteful selection of take out menus, whether you obsessively hound the maid or miss the pot when you pee, whether you handpicked your home furnishings or live and let live with your mouldy mattress – it’s inevitable that we’ll want to better it, and you.

4. you can have cigarettes, porn, women and other such contraband lying around, no questions asked. sweet, huh?

5. you can set up the TV, hi fi, fridge, gaming console and computer within arm's reach of the bed, just the way you always wanted.

6. you can be lord and master of the remote (a once in a lifetime opportunity, this). plus you can watch ftv, project runway, wife swap, grey’s anatomy, late night gemini, espn, or erm, anything else you like, in complete and dignified privacy.

7. you can have the guys over on weekends and game nights and pre/post party booze ups.

8. you can do away with the petty formality of dressing up and walk around buck naked if you are so inclined.

9. you can have mommy fuss over you more than ever when you visit on the weekends.

10. you can master the kind of stuff that could potentially make chikas (and mommy) swoon - viz, how to make some eggs, toast, tea and your bed.


image source: www.theatrex.net

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

sugar and spice, with a kiss like a vice!



tsk tsk tsk, peter…ever heard of the dodo?

while mommy and the movies were bringing you up to be the king of the world and the center of the universe, there were a flock of little girls who decided to grow up to be sharks.

see those pearly whites on that sweetie, peter? all the better to snap you up with!

her rose petal hands you think you might just crush? just wait and watch them clamp on to that diamond thingamajig or that designer whachumacallit.

her gorgeous ass you can’t take your eyes off? decoy!

her 1000000 watt smile that makes you swoon? yep, that’s the idea.

her mesmerizing eyes that can short circuit your brain? e.x.a.c.t.l.y.

she’s such an poochie coochie angel – you might find yourself sighing, all gooey eyed – i want to wrap her up in cotton candy and build her a fluffy wuffy palace on cloud nine and buy her everything she pouts for and be her slavie wavie for the rest of my life…

that’s your cue right there to RUN PETER, THAT’S A MANEATER YOU’RE COOING TO!!!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

why the car door is your best friend

Dear peter,

Good old fashioned manners? The kind that your mom taught you?

Well, that’ll take you places.

Including into our pants.

Heh heh, I’d like to see your mom’s face now.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

there’s just so much mommy can do for your sex appeal!




i was chatting with a friend this morning and neither of us could get over the fact that you’d rather please mommy than us when it comes to stuff like your clothes and hair.

it’s terribly unsettling to suggest a nice goatee, or a nuzzly pair of mutton chop side burns, or a snappy fitted shirt...only be told that mommy prefers her boy clean shaven, with a side parting, and in a t-shirt.

perhaps you mean she likes you exactly the way you are…?

as do we, dearest, as do we…really!

oh...no?

you mean she likes you clean shaven, with a side parting, and in a t-shirt?

like *ahem* a ‘good boy’?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA  HA HA HA H...huh...!?!

oh.

you’re serious?

oh.

um…tell me, do you honestly believe your mum wants you to get laid?

because i’m dead sure mine doesn’t.

which is why chicks never listen to their mums when it comes to matters concerning sex appeal, you see.

no, it is not different for guys and girls anymore.

get real.

and get that haircut / shirt / face fuzz we talked about.

and ick, please do not bring mommy to bed.

image credit: www.bp2.blogger.com