cougar town

last night as i entered into senseless trawling and youtube nirvana just to ease the pain of the next six (ok fine, five) days of backbreaking work, i found this gem:



yes peter, it’s alisha chinoy. the one who cried “anu malik”? good riddance it would have been too, to him and his harmonium.


but wait, we digress.


the only point to this post is to raise a toast to the original cougar.


these days, people in america insist that courtney cox of monica fame is headlining cougar town or some such, but really, we all know that she was made in india only.


much before it became classy to seduce younger men (refer demi moore), chinoy had her regulars; dino morea (now known as dinosaur morea) and milind “baba” soman. and just in case you managed to overlook the obvious, she planted herself in the middle of every video, surrounded by other nubile men and women yelling “look at me!” and let’s face it, all the toy boys did. bang in the middle of her ample cleavage in fact. (don’t believe me? ask google; it suggests “alisha chinoy hot” and really if google doesn’t know, then who does?)


so peter, just a note to say, watch out for the cougars!


note: this tip has been sent in by counselor mathangi krishnamurthy who has taken valuable time out from getting her phd to help your cause. 

it’s time you made your own bed and breakfast.

while your mum has dedicated a lifetime to making your favourite meals, washing your underwear and telling you how wonderous you are, you might have noticed that nobody else has the time. yup, it’s a hard fact of life that must be acknowledged and accepted - mums are the worst trainers in the world when it comes to bringing up adult men.

radical as it sounds, other than childbirth there is little that can be classified as man-stuff and girl-stuff today and an essential part of internalizing this cataclysmic shift is getting your own pad, my friend. 


besides which, i assure you there are a number of advantages to this plan. 

let me introduce you to the top ten right away:

1. you can have the chikas over. that’s a no-brainer of course.

2. you can impress the shit out of them. luckily for you, this doesn’t take much. given that the majority of indian men live with their mommies through adulthood and beyond, the very fact that you have dared to snap the apron strings could do wonders for your sex life.

3. you can leverage their irrepressible instinct to make you a better man. whether you are a gourmet chef or pride yourself on your tasteful selection of take out menus, whether you obsessively hound the maid or miss the pot when you pee, whether you handpicked your home furnishings or live and let live with your mouldy mattress – it’s inevitable that we’ll want to better it, and you.

4. you can have cigarettes, porn, women and other such contraband lying around, no questions asked. sweet, huh?

5. you can set up the TV, hi fi, fridge, gaming console and computer within arm's reach of the bed, just the way you always wanted.

6. you can be lord and master of the remote (a once in a lifetime opportunity, this). plus you can watch ftv, project runway, wife swap, grey’s anatomy, late night gemini, espn, or erm, anything else you like, in complete and dignified privacy.

7. you can have the guys over on weekends and game nights and pre/post party booze ups.

8. you can do away with the petty formality of dressing up and walk around buck naked if you are so inclined.

9. you can have mommy fuss over you more than ever when you visit on the weekends.

10. you can master the kind of stuff that could potentially make chikas (and mommy) swoon - viz, how to make some eggs, toast, tea and your bed.


image source: www.theatrex.net

so sweet you are sometimes :)

after so many weeks of mentally prepping myself to hate dilli de launde, i meet you instead:


excuse me, ma’am, says the kingfisher goodtime girl, please would you mind exchanging seats with mr...?


i look up at you as you blush prettily behind the air hostess.


erm…why? i enquire, puzzled, as i watch you flush white and then start to turn hot pink. 


uh...sorry to trouble you, you manage to mumble, my uh...grandma has the seat next to you, so please will you exchange seats...?


unfortunately for you, i am completely mesmerized by the garish contrast your complexion is beginning to present next to the air hostess’ ketchup red suit. (god only knows how you do it! the only one who knows when i blush is me - all i do is turn tingly dark chocolate and no one else can ever tell the difference!)


you notice me staring and begin turning an even hotter shade of pink, by the time you find your voice again, your ears have turned purple:


um, my seat is 12 F...just two rows away...there...um, it’s also a window seat like yours...please don’t mind...um, uh, sorry...you don’t have to move if you don’t want to...oh, thank you! thank you very much!


finally, i manage to snap out of my stupor and squeeze past the air hostess. 


that's when i notice the vintage lady clutching your arm like it’s a lifetime achievement award.


no problem at all, i smile at the two of you as i go by.


she looks into your face and beams like its christmas already.


and you, you beam pinkly back at me...cute as a cupcake!


arRRRgh! 


if you aren't careful, peter, i'm going to have to eat you up for dessert!


image source: www.nataliedee.com

chocolate’s addictive, but bootycake is bliss ;-)

see that thing john’s doing?

smartest career move he ever made.

you see, john’s bum is possibly the only thing that’s even more irresistibly delicious than his dimples.

it’s an old trick in the animal kingdom, actually. 

even the baboons know it.

…wha?! HEY! hang on just one minute, peter!

PAY ATTENTION PLEASE: while it pays to flash bootycake IF you have it, it does not pay to blind us with that pair of buttocks!

image credit: www.dancewithshadows.com

sugar and spice, with a kiss like a vice!

tsk tsk tsk, peter…ever heard of the dodo?

while mommy and the movies were bringing you up to be the king of the world and the center of the universe, there were a flock of little girls who decided to grow up to be sharks.

see those pearly whites on that sweetie, peter? all the better to snap you up with!

her rose petal hands you think you might just crush? just wait and watch them clamp on to that diamond thingamajig or that designer whachumacallit.

her gorgeous ass you can’t take your eyes off? decoy!

her 1000000 watt smile that makes you swoon? yep, that’s the idea.

her mesmerizing eyes that can short circuit your brain? e.x.a.c.t.l.y.

she’s such an poochie coochie angel – you might find yourself sighing, all gooey eyed – i want to wrap her up in cotton candy and build her a fluffy wuffy palace on cloud nine and buy her everything she pouts for and be her slavie wavie for the rest of my life…

that’s your cue right there to RUN PETER, THAT’S A MANEATER YOU’RE COOING TO!!!