Showing posts with label ICKY. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ICKY. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

i just lost my appetite


So you discovered boxers.
And you think it drives me mad with desire. Every time I see that Jockey band and the dirty Madras print peering out of the back of your jeans, I’ll go hysterical, tear my clothes off and fling myself at you.
Wake up. And smell the diesel fuel.
What are you? Pimply and fifteen? Because chances are unless you’re Mark Wahlberg, it’s never gonna happen.
When I see that Jockey band all I’m thinking is ‘gross, when was this thing ever washed.’
And the fact that your jeans are so low or loose does not necessarily mean you are slim. Or a hip hop artist. It means you’re a retard who obviously can’t go out and buy yourself a belt. Or no woman considers you good enough to sit you down, and tell you where you’d get one.
Scary. Almost as scary as that frayed band sticking out of your jeans.
So here’s some advice: keep those boxers out of sight. And pray really hard. That someday you’ll find someone who doesn’t mind seeing them.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

there’s just so much mommy can do for your sex appeal!




i was chatting with a friend this morning and neither of us could get over the fact that you’d rather please mommy than us when it comes to stuff like your clothes and hair.

it’s terribly unsettling to suggest a nice goatee, or a nuzzly pair of mutton chop side burns, or a snappy fitted shirt...only be told that mommy prefers her boy clean shaven, with a side parting, and in a t-shirt.

perhaps you mean she likes you exactly the way you are…?

as do we, dearest, as do we…really!

oh...no?

you mean she likes you clean shaven, with a side parting, and in a t-shirt?

like *ahem* a ‘good boy’?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA  HA HA HA H...huh...!?!

oh.

you’re serious?

oh.

um…tell me, do you honestly believe your mum wants you to get laid?

because i’m dead sure mine doesn’t.

which is why chicks never listen to their mums when it comes to matters concerning sex appeal, you see.

no, it is not different for guys and girls anymore.

get real.

and get that haircut / shirt / face fuzz we talked about.

and ick, please do not bring mommy to bed.

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