let’s be very clear. my job is to be sexy, smart and altogether too good to be true. yours is to be complimentary…without being shady. tall order eh? especially for your short order brains that are otherwise hardwired into shadiness? so yes, we come full circle.
here peter is a little lesson on appropriate responses. edgy, without being shady. complimentary without being blasé. and appreciative, without needing a bib. (don’t waste your spit, peter. it’s a good antiseptic for when you cut your skin, pretending to be head over heels in love with me.)
we begin by asking you to unlearn certain forms of behaviour that seem to have spread themselves among the male population through information mismanagement.
(a) stare at my boobs when talking to me
(b) prefix “too” when using adjectives – for example “you’re too good” doesn’t convince me that i am better than the rest of the girls you’re leering at. it merely makes me feel like i am too good for you
(c) talk endlessly extolling your virtues at the cost of everything else, including mine
(d) mention your apartment on the first date
(e) mention your mother
(f) use the words “hot”, “sexy”, “nice” or “sweet”
(g) ask about my shoes; no, i do not find that attractive
(h) give me a “men are like this and women are like that” line, even if it is “women are so much more sensitive than men”. it only makes me realize that i am too sensitive to be with a brute like you.
(a) attractive, beautiful, striking
(b) smart, intelligent, articulate
(c) funny, witty, sharp
adjectives with edge? use with caution:
(b) something about you (tom jones said it too, except he prefaced it with “maybe it’s the way you wear your blue jeans so tight”; don’t do that)
(c) if you can carry it off, insert “je ne sais quoi” in a sentence. (not this sauce has some “je ne sais quoi” but perhaps “there’s something to this conversation, a sort of je ne sais quoi”)
(a) ask about what i do, beyond the mandatory first line
(b) argue; intelligently
(c) be cynical, peppered with a dash of idealism
and if you must be inappropriate, peter, please preface it with, “this is terrible but may i confess…?”
this note to peter is by counsellor mathangi krishnamurthy whom you can hook up with at 'la chaim'.
image source: www.jokesandhumor.com